


The Great Dragon and the Quest for the Homunculus

by Emachinescat



Series: Sesquipedalian [8]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: AU, Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-11
Updated: 2011-01-11
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1255372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emachinescat/pseuds/Emachinescat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lampoon, n.<br/>(lam-POON)<br/>A sharp, often virulent satire directed against an individual or institution; a work of literature, art, or the like, ridiculing severely the character or behavior of a person, society, etc.</p><p>A mixed up fairy tale parody where the war against magic began because of men's clothing, Morgana is an unbalanced princess, Arthur is a five-inch-tall knight, and Merlin plays chess with the dragon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Great Dragon and the Quest for the Homunculus

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own Merlin; for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Enjoy. ;)

Once upon a time is a very perfunctory way to begin a fairy tale. It has been used time and time again, almost as much as the clichés "if looks could kill" and "dead as a doornail." Something that is overused is very boring and grows tiresome very quickly. That is why our noble tale will begin as follows.

It was during the great war against magic in the kingdom of Camelot that our story begins. This feral war had been raging for over two decades– a terrible, ongoing battle that most believed had begun because of the King's hatred for magic but actually was stemmed by a feud between the Humans and the Dragons over the most precious substance in the land – haberdashery.

One might gawk in amazement that such a trifle in today's time was so valuable during this time in history. As strange as it may seem, men's clothing was the most sought-after ware in the land of Camelot. But you see, in this day and age, what mattered the most – more than money, honor, or glory – was the way a man dressed. A bit superficial, perhaps, but to the Camelotians, it was the foundation of a utopian society. If a man was worth anything, he wore very nice clothing and could afford to buy his garments at popular haberdasheries such as Er Ol' Postle or Ye Ole Navy. There was no disgrace that caused a man to be looked down upon more than if he was seen purchasing his clothing at Adder's Zombie and Witch.

The Dragons, despite what everyone believed, were not bad or mean or ugly at all. In fact, they were the very beings that wove these beautiful garments for the males to strut around in. Using gold from the vast treasures collected, they would weave in rubies, emeralds, and pearls to make the most stunning haberdashery ever sewn. Everything was fine until the Dragons met with the Humans and demanded better salaries and more vacation time. The Humans, of course, being the greedy, inhuman pigs that they are, refused – and so began the magic war.

Our story begins with a knight named Arthur. Arthur lived in the king's castle, in the basement near the boiler, where the tepid air kept him warm when he slept on the ice cold floor. Arthur was only allowed to stay In the king's castle because His Majesty's daughter, a dervish young woman named Morgana, had a massive crush on Arthur.

If it hadn't been for Morgana, who seemed to be a decent person, though a tad eccentric and hyperactive, Arthur would be living on the streets or perhaps in an unoccupied mouse hole. You see, Arthur was not like other knights, or even like other men. Arthur was a homunculus.

Yes, sir, our young hero was all of five inches tall and very aware that he was not like everyone else. So what if the princess of Camelot was smitten with him? Everyone knew that she was a bit loony. That didn't make him special. It just made him funnier than ever. And he hated being funny.

One day Morgana decided that she couldn't live one more day without her tiny dream guy. She was absolutely voracious for him to love her back. She traveled down the basement of her castle and found the miniscule knight in his quarters, brooding about how horrible it was to be different. He was in a very bad mood that day, so when the princess dropped to one knee and said with an effervescent sigh, "I am madly in love with you and I assure you that my affection is not feigned. I don't care if you fall short of everyone else's standards, I love you!" he became very agitated. You see, for someone who is vertically challenged, particularly as miniature as a homunculus, phrases like "fall short of expectations" and "selling me short" or even "could you do me a small favor" are very offensive.

"I will never love you," he snapped.

When Arthur the Homunculus snapped at Morgana, Morgana snapped mentally. Panicking, in a frenzy because the man she loved didn't return her affection, she snatched him in her hand as If she were Godzilla and he a damsel in distress, trussed him up like a Thanksgiving turkey, and threw him into a bird cage. She then took him to her room, in the tallest minaret in the castle, and hung the cage from a hook on the ceiling. "Now you have to be with me forever," she laughed. By this time, Arthur was feeling even more rancorous toward his deranged captor.

* * *

Meanwhile, a wise, riddle-monger of a Dragon named Kilgharra was shaking his head in disgust at how horrible the world had become. He was playing chess with his dragon lord and powerful young warlock, by the name of Merlin. "Merlin, do you ever wonder how Camelot could have gone so downhill?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Merlin said as he took one of Kilgharra's rooks. "People can't be trusted. They are too consumed with their own wealth and haberdashery that they won't stop for a second to think about how we others might be affected." He snickered. "Take it from someone who knows – I'll never offer to protect another prince again. All they think about is 'me me me!'"

Kilgharra sighed. "But I kind of like the Humans. Sure, they're not perfect, but we Dragons and Humans used to get along." His eyes lit up. "Maybe if we proved that Dragons can be reasonable, we can become allies again. Besides, I'm sick of all the rumors that popped up because of the war. People forgot the real reason we were fighting and started to say that we kidnapped Humans and ate them and stole their treasure. My how I hate rumors."

Merlin smiled. "Perhaps you can. Checkmate." Kilgharra didn't care that he'd lost. Instead he turned his golden eyes to his friend as Merlin continued. "There is a DID in need of rescuing."

"A Damsel in Distress?" Kilgharra asked. "Isn't that a knight's job?"

"No, you misunderstand me, my friend. This is a DID – Dude in Distress. A young knight has been captured by a princess."

"Hold the phone – a princess kidnapping a knight? And I thought I'd seen everything."

"The balance of the world is changing. Perhaps if you can save this knight from the – um, how to put this nicely – disturbed maiden, the people will see that the Dragons are really very friendly and you can work out an agreement as to how the haberdashery will be handled from now on."

"Isn't this a little off?" Kilgharra asked dubiously. "An evil princess capturing a knight who is saved by a dragon?"

The warlock stroked his chin and smiled mysteriously. "That, my friend, is what makes this a great story."

* * *

Kilgharra flew quickly to the castle, trying to decide how he was going to go about the rescue of this knight. In all the stories told about Dragons, the knight would slay the "beast" and save the DID. Should he go along with the status quo? Should he smite the villainess, masticating her as he savored the taste of her soft flesh?

No way. That was absolutely icky. He would deal with her justly, but firmly. Nothing that included masticating of any kind.

As he approached the castle, Kilgharra saw the buttresses that protected the minaret and made rescue seem almost impossible. But he was committed. He had to save this Dude in Distress no matter what the cost. Only this could bring peace to the land of Camelot.

He burst through the defenses and cornered the princess. "Where is the good and noble knight? What have you done with him?"

The damsel, obviously in great distress with the large, frightening beast hovering over her, was surprisingly submissive. She pleaded for her life and pointed to the small bird cage. Kilgharra squinted. "What? I don't see anyone!"

A small voice wafted from the cage. "I'm right here, you idiot!" the homunculus knight exclaimed.

The rest is (as yet another cliché goes) history. With his daring and noble act, Kilgharra the Dragon restored peace in Camelot.

Kilgharra, Arthur, and Merlin became the best of friends, calling themselves the Three Musketeers and doing other heroic but unlikely deeds. As for Morgana, her dervish and psychotic behavior got her admitted to the local happy home/haberdashery, Psych-e, which specialized in shelling shoes.

Now Arthur isn't so self-conscious. He realizes that everyone is different, whether they are small or big or just plain psychotic. Kilgharra discovered that it's not always the best idea to stick to the status quo. Sometimes you have to take a chance and do something different, mix up some expectations. Maybe have a princess be the bad guy for once. And maybe it's time to let the dragon be the hero.

As for Merlin, he learned that changing the story a little bit with a  _pinch_  of magic is better than cable TV.


End file.
